Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Story 4: Predictions for the Future

Confused about what's going on here? This may help. The story starts below. Enjoy!


In the year 2015, the United States invests in a country-wide bouncy castle. The politicians say that it's just the jump start this country needs. All of them say the same thing. It's not only the first time that they all agree to a policy. It's the first time they all agree to rhetoric. It's consider a success of modern media. Everyone shakes hands (though this won't be made a requirement of law until 2021).
The economy soars. Adults find their inner child, as they toil on engineering and then building, the largest bouncy castle in history. It is yellow, but the spires are all gray. And, obviously, they are shaped like eagles and have flags at the top.
Unfortunately, when the castle is completed in 2018, everyone realizes that they never really liked bouncy castles and moves out of the country.

In the year 2061, a giraffe takes over the world. Because nobody is paying attention to politics anyway, the tall politicians of the global government all band together and pass legislation to decide all elections by height. The short politicians buy a giraffe.
The giraffe turns out to be a tyrant. It bans straight marriage. It requires that every person adopts its bizarre and antiquated religion that involves licking at least twelve different leaves on any given day and the complete extinction of ants.
Ant lovers worldwide revolt and try to set up an alternative government. Unfortunately, they are all too short.

In the year 2083, a number of things happen. That number is odd but not prime.

In the year 2098, a clandestine photograph of the global president and the lunar king having sex on a floating chandelier is released on the Internet (or its equivalent: the Interinternet), but nobody recognizes them. They are pretty excited about the sex, though, and the photograph becomes a viral meme (or its equivalent: a memememe). Chandelier sales skyrocket. And, soon, every industry is pushing to have the global president and lunar king have sex on their products.
Politics grinds to a halt as the two leaders spend almost all of their time either having no-longer-clandestine sex on various household appliances and types of soda or consuming as many liquids and potassium-rich foods as possible to maintain stamina.
Still, after a couple of months, their sex becomes mundane and routine, and they are soon thrown out of office, replaced by younger and more acrobatic leaders, who proceed to have wilder sex on even more products.
By the end of the year, the global and lunar populations are so fed up with watching sex and commercials that they finally start paying attention to politics, only to find that it is more sex and commercials. They revolt and put in power a man so prudish that he outlaws sex for the next twenty years. Within two weeks, he is ousted and killed, and the three-month bacchanalia that follows is so frantic and passionate that, afterwards, nobody remembers it, and all that remains is a single picture of two old women having sex on a floating chandelier.

By 2116, the various global empires are controlled by the fashion conglomerate, so political boundaries change, depending on the current style, usually a few times a year. In the beginning of 2116, it is popular to wear hamburger costumes in Cambodia, so it cedes its power to the North American Fast-Food Alliance, while most of North America itself is going through a parka phase, so they are invaded by the forces of the Overcoat Oligarchy. Naturally, the invasion is swift and bloodless, and within days, parkas are more common than food.
In mid-2116, the heelless slipper makes such a strong comeback that the entire planet is taken over by the Shoe Emporium. The Shoe Emporium, realizing that its power is likely short-lived, uses this power to sabotage the fashion industry. They poison all of the fashion executives in all the top firms and then tie-dye all clothing everywhere, claiming that now nobody can be fashionable.
Without fashion executives to guide them, the masses realize that they rather like tie-dye, revolt against the Shoe Emporium, and elect the colors of the rainbow as their leader.

In the year 2189, the entire world listens to the first ever debate by two genetically modified slugs. One of the slugs is in the middle of an impassioned speech about the rights of the many when the entire mini-studio is accidentally stepped on by one of the two gorillas who will be debating next.

In the year 2194, a hyper-intelligent race of aliens lands on Earth demanding to speak to the planet's leader. It takes three months to track the current dictator down, because she is working in one of the rock mines in what used to be the southern part of Russia. She is shocked to learn that she is dictator and instantly demands a bigger axe. She is told that a resolution to give her a bigger axe will be passed as quickly as possible through the government, and then one will be made for her with the utmost speed, so she will likely get it within the next year or two. Outraged, she demands the execution of all members of her grossly inefficient government. Unfortunately, the politicians say, the resolution to execute all of them will require some time to drum up support, and everyone is already busy preparing to take time off to avoid working on the axe problem, so it will likely take at least another century or two for the resolution to pass. One politician happily points out that, by then, many of the people she wants dead will already by gone, so, really, it's as if the resolution is already passed. The politicians congratulate themselves and decide to take a vacation. In the mean time, the aliens have given up and have gone back to their home planet to report that there is, indeed, no other intelligent life in the universe.

In the year 2200, a toad with five legs is born. The media immediately calls it the "four-legged toad killer" and the "must-have toad of the year," and the economy collapses.

In the year 2207, scientists discover the secret to resurrection. It is so expensive, though, that the only practical use is a highly-watched game show in which dead celebrities are brought back to life and then forced to fight each other to the death. There is a three-hour Special in which the old founding fathers from the former United States of America are all forced to fight each other, and only one can live. Unsurprisingly, it is Jefferson. It is the most widely watched program in the history of the universe, and within seconds, the economy collapses.
Jefferson, now released into a world that makes no sense to him, quickly capitalizes on his popularity from the television show and rises to power. For a few hours, it seems like everything is actually going to be okay. Jefferson makes several important resolutions and even comes up with a rudimentary plan to bring the economy back from ruin.
Unfortunately, in a surprise twist that boosts ratings even more, Franklin is brought back from the dead _again,_ and accidentally electrocutes both himself and Jefferson.
The economy collapses again.

In the year 2222, the world explodes. Nobody is quite sure why. Fortunately, nobody exists anymore, so the question doesn't vex anybody for too long. For the first time in almost 300 years, the economy does not collapse.


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