Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Story 5: The Problem of Fruit


Confused about what's going on here? This may help. The story starts below. Enjoy!

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Nobody saw it coming when Geraldine built a sled out of oranges. But, everybody saw it coming that the sled wouldn't actually work. The truth is, it was really just a bunch of oranges that Geraldine had found on the side of the road. She didn't trust them enough for eating, but she was in the mood to sled, and, well, they looked like they could roll, so she put them all at the top of the hill, took a running start, and belly-flopped on top of them.
Most of them squished under her weight and momentum, but there were enough that some survived, and soon, she was rolling down the hillside, full of delight and wonder.
Then, she hit a tree and died.

The moral of the story, kids, is that you should avoid oranges at all costs. These teachers here are going to tell you that you should get your Vitamin C. Bull shit. You should get your Vitamin Don't Let Oranges Kill You. And, I'll tell you right now, the best way to get this vitamin is to not eat any oranges. Pure, simple, easy.
Oh, and also avoid lettuce.
I don't know why anyone even bothers with lettuce. it's so leafy and bizarre. You show me something frilly and green at the edges and white and hard in the middle, and you tell me to eat it, I'll tell you right now, kids, I'm not doing it! I don't care how much you pay me! And, I'd advise you all to do the same. When one of those older kids comes up to you and offers you some lettuce, you just say, "No, thanks. I'm a no-lettuce kind of kid."
Yeah, I know, it's hard to say "no" to your friends, especially the older kids. I definitely got into some vandalism when I was your age, because some of the older kids thought it was cool. And, I'll tell you right now, kids, twenty years in prison is _not_ cool. I mean, _I_ didn't spend any time in prison... and neither did this guy, actually. he's a D.A. now. Kind of a hot-shot, actually. Anyway, my point is this: if you want to end up like my friend, sure, eat all the lettuce you want, but if you want a real job, a real life, follow my example: avoid it like the plague-carrying rat it is.
Speaking of plague-carrying rats, something else you should definitely avoid: cabbage. I mean, come on. Cabbage is just lettuce with a different name. It was invented by the pink commy anti-war atheist capitalistic war-mongering pigs. Everyone was wising up to the evils of lettuce, so they came up with lettuce by a different name and started selling that. I mean, it even looks like lettuce!
Anyway, the point is, don't touch it. Avoid it like the plague. If some wise-ass gives you a cabbage as a Facebook present or whatever it is you kids do, then just say, "Look, homie. I won't judge you choices, no matter how self-destructive and generally awful they are, but that stuff isn't for me. No offense, but I don't want to end up like you. You look and smell awful. If you give me that cabbage, give it to me for kindling for my fire, because that's all I'd ever use it for."
Actually, scratch that. Don't even burn it. I bet it burns blue, or something. Probably seeps its dark nutrients into your blood stream through the air. No, just bury it, bury it deep in the Earth's core and never think about it again.
Oh, and if you have ever had cucumbers, you're almost certainly a zombie. I mean, it's not one hundred percent, but pretty much ninety-five. If you know someone who has eaten cucumbers, please call nine one one immediately. They are likely to tell you that they have no interest in brains, maybe even that brains gross them out, but secretly, they are longing even for your brain. It's juicy; it's succulent; if you don't call nine one one, they will extract it from your head and eat it during your next YouTube sleepover or whatever it is you kids do.
So, anyway. I'm only talking about the most egregious stuff here. You can get the whole list of banned fruits and vegetables by going to our website - that's double-u double-u double-u dot eff dee a dot gov - and clicking on the big picture at the top of broccoli with a giant slash through it.
Speaking of which, uhh, don't eat any broccoli. That shit is so poisonous it boggles my mind that it can even be alive.
Anyway, looks like I'm out of time here. Principle Pumpkin told me that she has another short message for you, so I'll give it over to her, but if you have any other questions, or if you know anyone who has eaten cucumbers (or kale, obviously), I'll be next to the main office handing out fliers.
You've been real, kids. You've been real.

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